Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Oh and by the way...

I started this blog/journey early in the year after smelling sunblock in a store and deciding that I wanted to take my daughter to a waterpark over the summer. Well, my less than half ass attempts at weight loss (before this Zumba adventure) did nothing for my figure. But I never let that stop me from showing my daughter a good time. As it turns out I did take her to a water park on the 4th of July and she and I both had a wonderful time. I just adjusted my wardrobe into something that made me comfortable. I found that board shorts worked wonders for taking my mind off how I looked. So that mission has been accomplished. Now back to the fitness part. :)

pics or it didn't happen

Monday, September 5, 2011

It's Okay To Be Bipolar

I don't have much life energy to pour great wit and much playful banter into a blog tonight. but we'll do a short recap. In four more night nights I'll be getting my Zumba fitness instructor certification. Me! My out of shape, huffin and puffin ass will be leading others in the health charge.

This holiday weekend started at 1:30pm when my boss was kind enough to let us all go home early for the weekend. So I picked up my daughter and took her to see Spy Kids 4D. (and the smell cards don't work, btw. And thank God, because who wants to smell stinky diaper and dog fart? Who the hell...?) We met up with some friends at the movie who came over to play after it was over. We were up ALL night playing. The next day was a day of shopping and errands, and again our friends came over to play. And again we partied all night long. On Sunday ...I honestly can't even remember Sunday I'm so tired. But I do know I was awake until well after 2 in the morning. Which brought me to today. And a 9:30am Zumba class.

Normally I take Zumba 3 times a week. Mon/Wed/Fri. But because of this Labor day weekend, my normal gym was closed on Friday AND Monday. Well that just wouldn't do. Not with this all day certification class coming up. I need all the practice I can get. My original plan was to do some sort of at home cardio over the weekend, but if history tells us anything it's that home + cardio + me = not happening. So this morning, more tired than I've been in a long time, but also motivated out of my mind, I rolled out of bed and into my car and drove to my local 24 Hour Fitness with a "try it free" pass in my hand and waited for Zumba to begin.

Here comes the bipolar part.

During class I was doing my best. As best as I could muster with my exhausted body and mind. I even over did it during one song. I was feeling wonderful when I noticed that it doesn't hurt as much to jump anymore. A few weeks ago, jumping up and down incorporated all sorts of unpleasant things and very quickly exhausted me. Well today it didn't, and I noticed. There was a lot of jumping in this song and I was doing it all. About 2 minutes later I stopped dead. I felt like I was going to faint. I realized that I had bitten off more than I could chew with this one. After a moment I regained composure and started dancing again. I shook it off and kept going. But fear set in. What if I can't make it through this certification class on Friday? Oh my God what was I thinking getting into this so quickly. I am so extremely out of shape. I wont even be able to lead an hour class for MONTHS. All I can probably muster for now is to lead a few songs under someone else's class. When will it get better? I shouldn't have signed up for this. 

But then, once the class was over and I had made it through, my faith renewed. I will do this. Then something else. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm telling you, I know my body. But as I was sitting the car on the way home, I lifted my arms to grab the wheel and it felt like my arms were lighter than they had been an hour ago. I fit in my chair differently than I had on the way to class. Whoa! What? I was driving home and my face felt like it was glowing. Like it was radiating warmth and sunshine and it felt open and good, like air was passing through my pores and in general I felt like a golden pink color. What a wonderful thing this journey I am on is giving me. I can feel the journey happening all around me. Now maybe I'm just a little tired and over worked, because I don't think my words are making much sense right now. But I feel high as a kite. Sometimes right before class I feel intimidated and nervous, but I come out the other side feeling like I have just slayed a dragon.

So here I am, nervous and intimidated and afraid...and slaying dragons 3 times a week.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

How To Turn a Fail Into a Win

I promised you the good, the bad and the ugly. Well this would be one of those uglies. I've been a Zumba fiend the last couple of weeks. Devouring all the information and songs and classes I could. I placed an order for some Zumba wear with an instructor friend of mine last Friday and have been practically counting the minutes until it arrived.

Today was that day.

All I've been able to talk about lately are "my Zumba pants". I love Zumba pants. I think they're awesome. I love the fit and the colors and the fact that you can attach tassels to them. When I got the word that the pants had been delivered, I got in the car and rushed over to my friends house somewhere near 9pm. I grabbed the box of clothes, threw it in the car and made the 3 block trip home in about eleven seconds. I ran up the stairs, busted the box open like a kid on Christmas morning, took the pants out of the protective packaging and looked at them.

 "Hmm". *insert quizzical head tilt* They look a little small. I had ordered the biggest size they make. XXL. Surely they have sent me the wrong pants. I check the tag. Nope. They are "correct". So I decide my eyes must be in crooked and I begin to step into them.

I think I figured out something was wrong when they stopped ascending my body somewhere around mid thigh. Holy shit. Can this be? These pants not only don't fit, but they don't fit by a long shot. How can this be possible? My beloved Zumba...has betrayed me?

I've noticed something online with the Zumba pants. They are constantly out of the bigger sizes. Whenever you find the really cool looking pants, you will always come to find that anything other than XS, S and M are all sold out. You know why? Because people that skinny don't work out. They don't need to. WHY on earth would they not make more of these bigger pants? And why wouldn't they be made to fit the girls such as myself who are in desperate need of some serious cardio exercise, and who don't want to show up looking like we're dressed to work out in a prison yard? I instantly wanted to write Zumba Corp a letter quoting Day-Day from Next Friday when he says "Fat b*tches need love too, Craig!"

Now here's the up side: I have decided to keep the pants. Both pairs. They are MONTHS (at best) away from fitting. But God as my witness, these *F-Bomb*ing pants will fit me. And I will rock them. No one will have ever looked cuter in them. I will wear the pants, they will not wear me.

Being the person that I am, I took pictures. My mom and daughter were in the room when the trying on happened, so as I walked out of the changing area with devastation on my face I solemnly grabbed my camera and asked my mother to take some pictures. At first I did not intend to show the pictures to anyone. They were for me to keep and to look back on when one day these pants were far too big on me. But, I remembered that some girls out there may not have the "hope is like herpes" (see earlier blog) thing going on and may need some real motivation and hand holding. So, Big Girls out there: You are not alone. But I will tell you this, you will soon have one less sister amongst you, because I am out of here. Big Girls, I will always have love for ya, but I can't be one of you anymore. And I'd rather you bask in the glow of healthy positive changes along side me, than have you eat my dust. I have made the first step of getting off the couch. I walked out the door and into a Zumba class and it is motivating me every day. *prepare yourself for a Jerry Maguire moment* So all I wanna know is, who's coming with me?

I couldn't even get these all the way up my legs.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Am I on drugs? Because I'm sure acting like it.

It was only last weekend, and yet I cannot remember what I was doing or thinking, but something suddenly possessed me. I made an executive decision for myself. I deliberated all of 28 seconds, sat down at the computer, and executed my plan. 

Now it's been what, six months? Six months since I attended a Zumba class. And I'll tell you honestly that's the last exercise that I had done. At least until this Monday. (But were skipping ahead) I had what can only be described as a Flip Wilson "the devil made me do it" moment. But I decided that I was going to become a Zumba instructor. ~Yes. You read it right.~ 

I have one friend who is currently a Zumba instructor who happened to be online at the time I made this decision. As I was filling out blanks in the "I'm fat, overweight, out of shape and wanna be a Zumba instructor" enrollment sheet, she was answering questions I had. 


As of September 9th, for better or for worse, I will be a certified Zumba instructor. **eek** Now, I may be smokin' crack, but I'm not crazy. I know that I may very well die of exhaustion if I jump cold turkey into this. So the day after this decision was made, I started going to Zumba classes again. And so I shall continue to do three times a week until I am certified. I have gone Monday, Wednesday and Friday of this week. And I'm dying a little less every time. Still dying, just a little less. I will admit that my energy has been a tad up this week from last week. My appetite, surprisingly, is down! Every time I actually make it all the way through a class, I feel better and better about my decision. I ordered some Zumba pants, which I am DYING to get in the mail and try on, and I already have plans on how to affix my Zumba themed coif. This is honestly the last thing I would have ever pictured myself doing. 

Zumba instructor. Wow. This blog just got a whole lot more interesting. (to me anyway)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

My Date With "MiMi"

Alright now. Listen closely, because I'm only going to tell this story once...

So last night I went on a date. My first date since my last relationship, which ended little over a year ago. Which had been my first relationship since the untimely death of my marriage. Needless to say, I don't date much. I have many reasons, I suppose. I'm a single mother. I work 40 hours a week. My child is still very young and in need of my attention and affection. I'm afraid to get hurt again. I don't have a wide enough social circle to meet potential mates more often than once every 2 years. Bla bla bla yadda yadda yadda...take your pick. I have tried a few dating sites. I mostly started just to see. I was curious to see what kind of men were on the market. Over the last few years I have visited eHarmony, Match.com, Plenty of Fish and OKcupid. And what I have found is that most of the men on the market, are still hanging in the window for a reason.

I've been contacted by numerous men. Most emails I received mainly consisted of one sentence, or sometimes one word and usually had something to do with describing my butt. "Sup?"  "DAMN! You got ass." "You remind me of a Mos Def song. 'Ass so fat you can see it from the front'.When you gonna let me hit dat, ma?" And that would be the entire body of the email. What on earth kind of response these men expected, I couldn't tell you. On one occasion I received what seemed to be the first chapter of a book. The email took me 15 minutes to read through. A few times I got asked out, but I always said 'no'. Like I said, I was just there to look and get a feel. That is, until this week.

I call my date "Mimi". Why? Say that name over and over and over again and you will get the gist of his conversation. The date started out promising enough. We chatted online a few times and seemed to have a lot in common and he had a great sense of humor. He asked me out to dinner. Which would imply that there would be dinner, right? Not necessarily, as you will come to find out.

We met in the parking lot, and before we had crossed the street into the restaurant he had already dropped an "f bomb". I thought "okay, he's nervous. It's understandable." We walk inside and he takes me through the restaurant and to the back patio. Before arriving at our date night, he knew that I was very inexperienced with the world of beer, so he offered to teach me about it. The truth is, I really can't stand beer, but I thought "you know what? He wants to show off his knowledge on a subject. This is something I have never done before. I'll give it a shot."

We seat ourselves outside and he orders both of us some beers. Then he orders an appetizer. Pretzels with cheese and mustard for dipping. Little did I know that this would be the only thing we would eat this evening. There never was an entree. Just beer...and pretzels. So our beers show up and I have to say, mine wasn't that bad. It was actually pretty good. As I sip, he starts to talk. About 4 minutes into his chatter, he lets out a burp mid-sentence. He never stops to excuse himself. He just keeps on talking. (Oooooookaaaaay) 25 minutes later, he is still talking. I'm nibbling on pretzels wondering when we're going to order dinner.

He's in the Navy. So needless to say, he's spent some time over seas. I know aaaaaaaaall about it. He went on and on about how he's "the man". He told me about how he once owned a bar in Tahiti, how on the island everyone would come to him for anything they needed because he had connections. While on ship he was the man who everyone came to for the most in demand of items. American cigarettes, American candy bars, movies, porn...you name it. (Did he seriously just tell his date that he was a porn distributor? Yes he did!) He went into great detail about his rule of lending out porn on the ship. "If it comes back sticky, you're done. You're cut off. No more for you. Just keep it. Ha ha ha, you know what I mean?" (Ummmmm...) *que a nervous laugh and a giant swig of my tasting-better-every-minute beer*

During the next half hour he downs another beer and lets out another half dozen belches. Still never once stopping to say "excuse me". I'm sorry. That's not only rude, but it's disgusting. Talk of sticky lender porn on a first date, I can almost handle. But not excusing yourself after a burp, you're crossing the line, buddy.

He casually mentions the pretzel appetizer and asks if I like it. I say yes, it is very good. He then remarks "Yeah, they've got food inside, but it's really weird." as he scrunches his face. A few things come into my head now. I realize that not only are we NOT ordering anything other than this appetizer, but I think to myself "Why on earth would you ask me to dinner at a place which serves food that you have no intention of eating?" I also notice that we have now been here an hour and a half, and I've spoken about 15 minutes total.

The best...well I wouldn't call it that. How about, the most interesting and perhaps humorous (to anyone not actually on this date) part of this story comes about 45 minutes later. We're...as you were...he is still talking as we go for a walk. As we come to rest on a picnic bench and he continues to regale me with stories of how awesome he is, how he once almost smacked his best friends wife for being a bitch (what the shit?), of what kind of dates he'd like to take me on in the future (and he's serious!!) it happens. I hear a strange noise. At the same time I notice that the bench we're sitting on vibrated somewhat. Oh my God. This man just farted. He farted!! He farted and yet the band played on. He didn't stop for an instant. Suddenly I could hear the lyrics to a Matthew Wilder song. "Aint nothing gonna break my stride. Nobody's gonna slow me down. Oh no. I got to keep on (TALKING)!!!"

Thinking back on it now, I wonder if I kept my poker face. Honestly I was too in shock once I realized what had just happened to notice whether or not I kept my composure. And even if I hadn't, I don't think it would have mattered because this fool wasn't even looking at me. As far as he was concerned he was on an awesome date with himself. He started to tell me about an awful date he had once gone on in which the girl started talking about marriage and kids and how she could see these things happening with him. And in the same breath, starts discussing "our" future together. He is telling me all about the things we're gonna do together and the dates he's gonna take me on. The phrase "Not if you were the last man on earth" came to mind more than once. What's really strange is the fact that this was not the first date I had been on since becoming single in which my date talked incessantly. The first guy even caught himself on a few occasions and would jokingly refer to himself as "Hemingway". On that particular date I don't think I said more than "It's nice to finally meet you" and "Well thank you for the lovely evening." But that is another story for another time...

Some dates can leave a bad taste in your mouth

Monday, May 2, 2011


For the love of cheese. I am so effing frustrated with myself. I cannot stay focused on the fitness goals I want to attain. I want them. I need them. So why can't I STAY FOCUSED?! I am extremely pissed at myself. I could kick a chair, only I'm too fat and lazy...and I've got a chicken wing in my hand. ARRRRG! I can't sleep most nights. My mind is all over the place. My thoughts range from diet and exercise to dating to loneliness to wardrobe to my job to child support to custody...

I feel like I want to cry only I'm too sidetracked to remember to do it. I've been thinking lately of joining up with a gym. (here we go!) I was thinking of Chuze. They're pretty inexpensive and your membership can include free tanning. Wuuut? Not that I go to tanning booths all that often. But, I can see where if you had an event in the middle of winter to look nice for, it'd be a nice option. Not that I have ANYTHING to go to!!! That's another thing that has been bothering me a lot. And it's not the first time you guys have heard me talk about it. I'm lonely. Lonely. Lonely. The other day it was making me so sad I literally had a pain in my chest for most of the day. It's an awful feeling. Because not only am I feeling bad for myself, but then I start thinking of what a terrible mother I am for wanting something more for myself than my perfectly healthy child. I suffered a major heartache last year that I still have not recovered from. It still keeps me awake some nights wondering wtf happened and what was the other persons point of lying to me? I don't get it and I wish I did. I can't stand not having closure. I'm sure most of you have felt this frustration at some point or another.

My goals are slipping away from me and I am struggling with myself everyday to hold on to them. This week my mantra is Get it together. Get it together. For G*d's sake GET IT TOGETHER!!!!!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Long Time No Blog

Sorry!! I think about you every day, really I do. I just didn’t have time to organize my thoughts. I still don’t really have anything organized. Just gonna put my fingers to the keys and see what comes out.

So, the thing I said I couldn’t write about…I still can’t write about out of respect of privacy for the other party involved. One day soon, I’ll be able to get it out, but for now I’m just crossing my fingers. But trust me, I had a good reason to stop my diet and stop writing. But those reasons are gone now and I’ve just been plain lazy.

So, starting fresh. Last week I signed up with Weight Watchers. *insert victory music* Trying to be budget conscious I decided to go with the online program as opposed to the one where you can attend meetings. It’s about $30 a month cheaper this way. (win!) Although this may prove to be a mistake because I have no idea what the hell I am doing and W.W. has one hell of a website to navigate. Although I joined last week, I didn’t start following the program until yesterday. To make it easy on myself in the beginning I am going to just buy the Smart Ones meals that have the WW pointsplus numbers written on them. Taa daa. Easy enough for now. At least to get started with.

Upon signing up, I tipped the scales at 232 pounds. There it is. Out there for the world to see. But it doesn’t matter, because by the time you read this I will already be a little skinnier. So there.

I’m sorry to leave you with such a stunted update, but I’m hungry enough to eat my own face right now so I better go get a snack.

See you around soon.

~Future Skinny Bitch~

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Did a double take when I was washing my face tonight. Looked in the mirror and almost didn't recognize myself.  It's been 2 days of Weight Watchers and I noticed my face a few ounces thinner. LOL!! I'm being serious. I have a great eye for kooky details like that. (not so much when it comes to spotting type-o's though) I notice every time a male co-worker gets a hair cut or takes his sideburns up a 1/4 inch.  So I noticed my face a bit skinnier tonight. My face is always the first thing to show weight loss. So this is a minor win for tonight. It's the little things that can keep you going. My first BIG win will be when someone (who doesn't read this) says to me "Have you lost weight?" UH! I'll be dancing on the ceiling when that happens.

The next two days are going to be stressed packed for me. My daughters 4th birthday party is this Saturday and I am terrified that I wont get everything done in time. Decorations, food, snacks, dessert table, goodie bags, activities, music, balloons....good Lord, have mercy and give me swift feet, steady hands and nerves of steel.

Monday, February 21, 2011

There Is No Cure for Hope

So not much to report. Well actually, I have a ton to report BUT...I am not at liberty to speak of it yet. grrrrr. It's frustrating I know. So, since I can't blog about health stuff, I'll blog on "other".

Today I had a photo shoot with my daughter, mother and grandmother. The 4 generation photo shoot we've been talking about since we found out I was having a girl. It was funny how random it turned out. None of us wore matching outfits. It was kind of last minute. My daughter actually wore a Wizard of Oz style Dorothy dress. We took some of just her in that costume because my grandmother had just made it for her so last week when we went to see The Wizard of Oz in San Diego. I'm excited to see how the pictures come out.

I've been a little down lately regarding my health and my dating status, both of which are stagnant at best. But ever the optimist, I am always filled with hope. Even though sometimes hope can get pushed way down in deep corners where it is hard to find and sometimes hard to detect, I believe it is always there. In everyone. So I guess that will be my motivational theme this week for you all. Even I, 90+ pounds over weight and single for quite some time with no sign of a worthwhile prospect on the horizon, can have hope. Hope drives me like a stolen car. Hope keeps me moving and getting out of bed every morning. Hope keeps me smiling and joking and living. Hope is in each of us. The best part of hope is that it is resilient. Like herpes. Even though sometimes you may think it is gone and you haven't heard from it in a while, it can flare up inside of you when you least expect it.

Yes. Hope is like herpes.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Oh my Zumba!

I was possessed yesterday. Possessed by the ghost of my former self. The self with boundless energy that stemmed from not only a passion for living, but a 90 pound thinner frame. For months now I have wanted to try Zumba. An exercise class that I had always described as Jazzercise being taught by Ricky Martin. Yesterday I got an opportunity to try it for free at a place called Team Quest in Oceanside, where a friend of mine was a guest instructor. I was SO JAZZED about this that I forgot myself. Forgot I was overweight. Forgot I was out of shape. I forgot it all. All I could focus on was how excited I was and how much this was going to rock!!

On the drive to the class, I was blasting music in my car and dancing in my seat. When we walked inside, I immediately began to dance. And strut. And pop and lock. And shake my booty. And do body rolls. And this was all while we were signing in!!

We walk over in front of the mirrors. Now I really take off. I'm pacing back and forth. Singing. Clapping my hands. Doing the thing where you extend both hands down in front of you, palms extended and jump up and down while sticking your butt out. You know what I'm talking about? Have I mentioned that at this point the class had still not started and there was no music playing? ...yeah.

Now it is finally time for business. The music starts. The students line up. We face the mirror and we take our first steps and swivel our first hips. I am going all out. Hitting every move. In my head I'm thinking "Ye-uh! Ye-uh! Uh! Uh! Uh! Get it! Get it! Get it get it get it get it!" Any TruBlood fans out there? Remember that scene right after Eric lets Lafayette drink his blood, and he feels so good that he starts running around humping the couch and freaking the fireplace saying "I feel like !@#ing dancing!" ? That was me.

Then half way through the opening song...all that hot mess caught up with my fat ass. Suddenly there was an elephant on my chest and I could not take deep breaths. Suddenly I noticed the sweat poring down my face. Suddenly I felt like I had taken a package of NyQuil and all the good sleep part of the drug was hitting. Suddenly my inner monologue sounded more like "Oh my sweet lord. What the hell were you thinking? You are fat and out of shape. You aint worked out in over a year! Lord make the pain end!" ...and then the first song ended. 

About half way through the class, a terrible pain took over the left side of my back. Oh dear God. Am I so out of shape that I just threw my back out doing aerobics?? What in God's name? I could hardly stand up all the way. My movements got slower and less precise. I couldn't even recall which movement had caused this disaster to impend upon me. Half an hour later on the drive home I figured out it was just gas. REALLY?! Are you even kidding me? Taken out by a blocked fart?? (God I'm gross. Whatever. It's a blog baby, and I'm not holding back. You want the good the bad and the ugly? You come sit next to me. But not too close, because apparently Zumba makes me want to fart.)

So suddenly (but not suddenly enough) the class is over. Thank you Jesus...I'm not dead. But I am hot. And sweaty. And my word do I stink! Whatever I did, must have worked. I was standing in a pool of my own sweat, back hurting and smelling like a gym locker. On our way out of the class I see a scale and step on it.

Oh what the hell? I gained 4 pounds?!?

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

"Somewheeeeere under 220...."

Okay, I have a mini-goal to help me along the way. This will be good, since the last few days...let's just leave it at I could have done better. I did something I rarely do the other day, I weighed myself. No surprise I was at exactly what I thought I was. 223. Of course I was wearing all my clothes, shoes, a sweatshirt and holding a breakfast burrito in my hand, but that's not the point. The point is, I have a starting weight.

Next month on the 16th, I am taking my daughter to see The Wizard of Oz musical in San Diego. I have chosen that date as my first mini-goal. I am shooting to lose between 5 and 7 pounds by that date. Not for any particular reason. I have no special outfit I am trying to wear to this thing. Just it is an event with a date and it sounds reasonable enough. 5-7 pounds in 3 weeks. That would bring me down to between 218 and 216. From there it's just a hop, skip and a jump to 200. Then 195. And so on and so forth.

I stayed home from work yesterday, and home seems to be where I do my worst eating. My daughter was sick, so we just stayed on the couch together all day. Today and tomorrow are "dress up" days at work, so I will not be walking during lunch. But to make up for that fact, tonight while my daughter is at her dad's for a few hours I decided to clean my entire bathroom. I am a little concerned about how good of exercise this was because I failed to break a sweat. Of course, I took my time, was wearing a sports bra and cotton pants (sexy visual, huh? Woooooo baby!) and had all the windows open. But still, I guess it's better than sitting on the couch eating cookies. Also, to aid in attaining my mini-goal...I am going to jog on the treadmill this weekend. **insert that doom impending music that goes "da-duh-daaaaaaaaaaaa" **

On a side note, I think I got Pinesol on my skin. My arm feels like it is covered in flesh eating red ants.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Wasted Weekend

Health wise, this entire weekend was a bust. Mostly because I was unprepared and occasionally a little emotional. Friday night at Disneyland was great. We had a blast. There was plenty of traffic on the way up, but my friend and I kept the conversation flowing in the car. Soarin' Over California only had a 20 minute line. Score! We checked out ElecTRONica, but the kids didn't really get it. So we headed over to the other park and went straight to Pirates of the Caribbean, which had a 10 minute line. When we came out, Fantasmic was going on right across the street. But we decided to go ride Winnie the Pooh and then come back for the second show. No line for WTP. Sweet! As we headed back over to the Fantasmic viewing area, the fireworks show "Remember...Dreams Come True" started. So we found a terrific spot to watch them, that also allowed us to slip right into a great spot for Fantasmic. After that, the park was closed so we headed home.
Mickey faces the Dragon in Fantasmic

The next day I had a few things to do. Everything was planned out perfectly. So perfectly that I was quite proud of myself. But then...**insert ominous music** everything went off schedule. The activity that I planned to take my daughter to in the morning, a princess tea party at the Disney Store, was over filled when we arrived, even though we were 15 minutes early. So we had to wait around 90 minutes for the second tea party. Which made me late to a friends baby shower. When I arrived at the baby shower I stayed for about 2 and a half hours, but right as they were about to open presents my daughter woke up from her nap, so I headed home. I didn't want to skip out on her during our weekend together.

Today during the afternoon she started getting a fever. Her nose had been running for days, but now she was getting worse. Tonight she is asleep right behind me, but she keeps crying and shivering. She keeps mumbling things, but I can't understand what she is trying to say, and I honestly don't think she understands either. Earlier we spent the evening on the couch watching "Julie & Julia" (or "the lobster movie" as she calls it) and "Tinkerbell and the Great Fairy Rescue". If she's not better by morning I am going to stay home with her. I hate leaving her when she's so sick feeling. Just the last few paragraphs have taken about an hour to write because she keeps having a rough time. :( Poor baby.

This entry didn't talk much about food or exercise because there was virtually no exercise this weekend, and the food I ate...I am too ashamed to admit too right now. On top of everything else, my recent divorce has me a little down this weekend. Valentines Day is coming up, and I truly love it. I have always loved valentines Day, and I don't know why. They were never that great for me. But the idea of an entire day dedicated to love and romance and little pink hearts just sounds too wonderful to be true. I love love. I really am great in a relationship and I am wasted as a single person. I've decided that this Valentines Day my daughter is going to be my sweetheart. Even though she's my sweetheart every day. But I'm planning on picking her up early from school and having a picnic on the beach with her. I called ahead to checked, and was stoked to confirm that pizza places will make you a heart shaped pizza on Valentines Day. Diet or no...you gotta have a little fun sometimes. :o)

Thursday, January 20, 2011

So Far...So Good

Not much to report today. All good news though. Orange and water for breakfast. Another orange for snack. (I'm really feelin' these oranges lately) Took another walk to the beach again, but I forgot to time this one. Another Subway but this time I added the 80 cal chicken soup. Yee ha. For dinner I had a Lean Cuisine french bread pizza. 4 bottles of water today.

I'm feeling positive. Feeling like this is a great idea at the right time and I'm glad that it's at my own pace. It's a good pace for me to start at.

Tomorrow night after work a friend and I are taking our daughters to Disneyland. This can work as a plus...and a negative. The plus is aaaaaaaaaall the walking and carrying kids and lugging of strollers on and off of trams. The negative, the food. I'm not gonna lie. We'll most likely eat at McDonald's on the way up or the way down. So...how do I work this?? Do I eat super lite all day and then get smacked with calories at night and just "work it off" at Disneyland? Or do I just take the hit and move on after that? Or do I not eat anything?? Uuh...the choices are endless. What will I do? Stay tuned.....

The beach treasures I've collected so far.

The sunblock on my desk.

The beach from my office at sunset.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I've been a bad bad girl...

Today has gone down the crapper. But, I am gonna keep my chin up and move forward on a positive foot. It started with breakfast. I was rushing around this morning because it was my daughter's first day of school for the week. So I was making her breakfast and her lunch and trying to make sure we left on time. I wound up eating 3 slices of wheat toast and the crust I cut off of her peanut butter and jelly sandwich. When I got to work, I had some grapes and carrots with fat free ranch...and a Diet Dr Pepper. Then for lunch our office ordered Rubio's, and I am of the mindset that free food trumps healthier food that I have to pay for. So, I picked the chicken tacos. It came out to around 600 cal. Not sure how much it actually was thought because I did not eat the black beans.

Tonight I was supposed to meet with a college counselor to discuss going to school and financial aid and yadda yadda yadda. So, right as I was leaving work to go meet with her, my mom sends me a text saying when she picked my daughter up from preschool her nose was running, she started to cry and she had had an accident. So, I called the counselor and canceled my appointment and came straight home. She was fine when I got home, so ...oh well. I felt bad that she didn't have a good day though, so I took her to Toys R Us to spend some rewards I had earned. When we were done, before we left she needed to go to the bathroom. I H-A-T-E the bathroom at Toys R Us. It is always a disgusting, filthy poop bomb. So while we're in there, not only is it dirty as usual but the toilet paper dispenser is acting a fool. So I start to get crazy feeling inside because I am trying to hold her up so not much of her touches the toilet and yet grab some paper without dropping her into the water. Also, I was getting hungry. So when we left there, we drove straight into the Burger King parking lot. I was feeling crazy from lack of food and the creepy-nasty bathroom experience. I'm not even going to look up the calories of what I ate.

To make matters worse, I skipped my walk today so that I could leave work early to meet with the counselor lady.

Oh well. Tomorrow is another day.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Who's that skinny girl in the mirror?

So, a little less water today. And now, I am sitting here dying of thirst. I started the day with a Trim Spa pill that was recommended by a friend. It was okay. I didn't really get the point. For breakfast I had an orange and a bottle of water. A little while later for a snack I had a banana with a little peanut butter. Lunch was a Subway sandwich, which I went online and calculated to be at approximately 380 calories. Woot! During my 3rd bottle of water for the day I added a little packet of Crystal Lite, fruit punch flavor. It was nummie.

Right after lunch I went for another 40 minute walk down to the beach. I picked a cute seashell this time instead of a rock for my collection. Some time during the morning at work a huge stress ball hit me, and I was dying to go to the snack cabinet and get a piece of chocolate, but somehow I managed to resist. Sweet! I made it through without any chocoloatey goodness.

When I got home, for dinner I had another orange and also a bowl of chicken noodle soup (from a can) and a few saltine crackers. Nothing to drink. While I ate and waited for my daughter to come back from her dad's house, I watched Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. She came home right as Maid Marion was laving Robin's secret hideaway in Sherwood forest.

After I wrestled her through a shower, the combing and drying of her hair and the brushing of her teeth and began to brush my own teeth, I noticed in the mirror that my face was a tee bit thinner than yesterday. Even since this morning it seemed. That or I had really good lighting going on. My face is usually the first thing about me to get skinny. Which is good. Any pictures from the shoulders up make it seem like I've made oodles of progress.

This was a boring entry, I know. I promise....it will get more exciting. If you know me, hardly a week passes without something funny or dramatic to talk about. But for now, I'm off to bed with my daughter. Gotta catch up on Little Bear and Max & Ruby.

Monday, January 17, 2011

If I drink any more water, I'll float away!

Today I was able to achieve a few goals. I ate less. I drank a ton of water. And I even got to go for a walk before lunch. I was happily surprised that it was a 40 minute walk. I thought it had only been 20. I walked with a friend down to the beach, which luckily is only about 3 blocks away from our office. The fresh air was nice. I got to put my feet in the ocean water, which I love. I also got to add another visual motivator. I've decided that every time I walk to the beach, I'll bring back a small rock and put it in a jar. Just something to show me that I am working towards my goal. I am doing it.

I wrote down everything I ate today. A Cliff Bar for breakfast, a banana with peanut butter for lunch. (How much peanut butter?? Not tellin'. Let's leave it at it was more than a teaspoon, but less than a cup. lol) Then I had another banana later for a snack. That got me to about 4pm and I started to get super hungry. So I reluctantly ate a left over Banquet meal I had in the office freezer. It was 440 calories. But, in the end I figured it was better than the usual bag of Cheetos, 5-7 Cokes, 3 or 4 fun-sized candy bars and handful of Red Vines that I usually snack on during the day. Every little step helps. Baby steps are better than none. I did break down and have a Diet Dr Pepper with the microwave meal. I remembered that during my Jenny Craig time, I stayed alive because of fat free Ranch, Fat Free Croutons and Diet Dr Pepper. The DDP was a "free" food, the fat free croutons and salad dressing were my own "sneaky addition", but it never hurt my weight loss. Since this thing I am starting was a spur of the moment, and begun during a low money pay period, I am a tad bit unprepared to eat proper diety food. So, I made due with what I could. Thankfully our office provides us with fresh fruit each week and also things like oatmeal.

When I left the house this morning, my grandmother was in the kitchen cooking all sorts of greasy goodness that smelled up the entire house. But I managed to walk out the door with no regrets, thinking that I would eat a package of oatmeal once I got to work. Alas, when I got to work we only had the super gross flavors left. So I waited until about 10 am and then ate a Cliff Bar. (240 cal.) Then at 10:50 I left for my forty minute walk and returned to eat a banana with peanut butter. About 2 hours later, feeling hunger creep in, I ate another banana. Then, like I said, at 4pm I had the microwave thing (440 cal.) Oh, and there was a Blow Pop in there somewhere (60 cal.)

When I got home tonight I had what had been cooked for dinner. A tortilla with a few strips of carne asada and some mexican rice. But only one. I would normally have eaten two and added sour cream. Then I had some salad with thousand island dressing. (Sadly, we did not have fat free) And I followed it up with a jello cup (which was a free food on Jenny Craig) I didn't have anything to drink. I can't even think of drinking any more water today. I had 6 bottles of it today, and I must have drank them either too quickly or too close together, because I got a killer headache towards the end of the day and couldn't bare the thought of any more water.

So there you have it. Day one: Not a disaster. And that's good.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Nice to meet you. I'd shake hands, but I'm holding a cheeseburger.

Name: Brandy
Age: 27 days away from turning 32
Parental Status: One daughter
Marital Status: Divorced...as of last week.
Job: Executive Administrative Assistant for a software company
Education: HS Diploma. Currently in talks for going to school to become a nurse.
Dilemma: I am overweight. And I am sick of it.

Post Married - Pre Jenny Craig 180 pounds

As you can see from my stats above, this blog shall follow my previously successful attempts at losing weight. This will be a bigger goal than I have ever had to tackle. In fact, it's not something I have often had to battle in life. I never gained any weight until about a week after I got married back in 2003. We were immediately stationed across the country from "home" in a small little community in Georgia. For about 6 weeks I had no job, no car, no home even. While we waited on housing, we stayed in motels. Six weeks in a motel waiting around all day for your husband to get off work. Sweltering heat outside. No idea where I was in regard to the things around me. My car had not yet arrived. No work to be found. So what did I do? I sat around and watched DVD's and ate microwaved pot pies. All day. Every day. For six weeks. I gained about 15 - 20 pounds. And my husband noticed...to put it mildly. I didn't do much to rid myself of that weight for about 2 years. Then I joined up with Jenny Craig and hired a personal trainer. I lost all the weight, and then some, and got in the best shape of my life. All while my husband was overseas in Iraq. The day he got back, I looked so damn good that he had no choice but to get me pregnant...that very night. 

Post Jenny Craig - Around 140ish
With the beginning of my pregnancy also began the ultimate demise of our marriage. Slowly, I realized that no matter what I did, my husband was no longer in love with me and nothing I did would make him happy. My work suffered. My personal life suffered. I health suffered. I slipped into depression and became an emotional eater. I gained 90 pounds while I was carrying my child. Two weeks after she was born, I had shed 23 pounds of water and baby weight. And that weight is where I have stayed ever since. 

She will be celebrating her 4th birthday this April.

Slowly I learned to love my body as it is. I no longer burst into tears when I look at myself in the mirror. I learned to put a little swagger in my step, despite the size of my ass. (which is gargantuan, by the way)
I oft times have fleeting thoughts of going through the weight loss regime again, but had not yet found a great motivational goal. 

Until today. 

1 Week Before Daughter Was Born - Around 257 lbs
Now I grant you, it may be a silly goal, but it's my goal. It is nothing that will change the world, but it could change my world. I live for my daughter. I swear to God, she is my favorite part of everything that exists. All I do all day is dream up new adventures we can go on, new games to play, think of which stories I want to read her at night or which song I'll sing her to sleep with. Now stick with me, because I am leading up to the goal part here. 

Today I was in Target and I noticed that the sunblock displays are back. I love sunblock. I love how it smells. It smells like summer and swimming pools and the beach and picnics and barbecues. I grabbed a bottle of a random brand and dabbed a little on my arm to test how much I liked the smell. It was delicious and reminded me of going to water parks as a kid. Then I thought of how this summer I'd like to take my daughter to a water park. **Enter Goal** I want to lose weight so I can buy a swimsuit that doesn't look like it belongs to my grandmother and take my child to a water park this summer. And the best part is, I also have a motivational tool!!! Sunblock. Yes. The smell of sunblock. I shall keep a bottle of it on my desk at work. Whenever I need a little encouragement, I'll smell my sunblock and be reminded of my goal. 

At first I am going to start out slowly. I have no health education besides what they taught me at Jenny Craig (5 years ago) and those sorts of books really do not hold my attention. At first I am starting slowly. I have given up soda. Next step is simply to at less. Stop stuffing my face all day long. I am also going to try to go for a walk each day after lunch at work. Just a short walk. No running. Nothing major. Just get my self going. I sit at a computer all day long. When I can make it up a flight of stairs without huffing, I will move on to the next step. Ultimately, in the long term, I would like to get down to between 130-145 pounds. Last time I checked I was somewhere in the 223 range. Now, that ultimate goal will eventually require some professional assistance and some food guidance. Luckily, I have a friend who is a personal trainer who I know I can turn to for advice, and whom I fully intend on hiring to train me...once I can get a little extra money. 

So join me on the quest. The journey to a water slide summer. Can I do it? Yes I can. Will I do it? Stay tuned... 

Current Weight - Around 225