Have a Merry Christmas with Random Acts of Kindness

Boy, my last post was a tad dark. Let's see if we can lighten things up. It's Christmastime after all; my favorite time of the year. I can't think of very much to say right now other than to reassure you that despite normal setbacks that anyone can suffer, I am doing well. My daughter is still in remission and despite having had a lumbar puncture yesterday, she stays mostly sunshine and rainbows.

This year we got an Elf on the Shelf. Lily called Santa and left him a voice mail asking him to please send a girl Elf to our house. She woke up the very next morning to find one sitting in our Christmas tree! She named her Glitzen Von Schweetz. So far, Glitzen is a good elf who mostly watches over Lily and sometimes brings her early presents from Santa. This morning we found her on a book shelf reading "Dipper's and Mabel's Guide to Mystery and Non-stop Fun!" Guess she's a Gravity Falls fan too.

Which reminds me, I DO have something SUPER AWESOME to say, but I am at the office right now (ssshhhh) and I don't think I'm ready to have that emotional happy cry here while I answer the phones. It has to do with the most amazing September we've ever experienced in our lives!

But for now I just wanted to share with you some cool ways to make yourself feel good while spreading a little magic this holiday season. I've compiled a list of Random Acts of Kindness I've found from around the web. So if these were your ideas originally, please forgive my plagiarism. But...it is all for a good cause, so chill. Some of these, Lily and I have done before and I can tell you, it gets really fun. Especially if you try and sneak around really fast and not be seen.

1. Go to a $1 store and leave behind dollar bills in random places (on shelves, taped to a can of food, etc) with a little note that says "Merry Christmas. Please enjoy an item of your choosing on us! Secret Santa."

2. Tape an envelope with some spare change to a random vending machine. Maybe with a note that says "Marry Christmas. Have a Coke and a smile."

3. Donate some blankets to a pet shelter so little Fido's wont have to sleep on the cold concrete.

4. Give food or your time volunteering at a local Food Bank

5. Pay for the car behind you the next time you're at a drive thru food or coffee shop.

6. Give up your spot in line.

7. Make a Christmas Card for your school receptionist

8. Leave nice chalk messages on the pavement around your neighborhood

9. Send a thank you note to someone who's Christmas yard decorations really brighten your holiday.

10. Offer to babysit for a friend so they can have an evening free to decorate, bake or wrap! (...or nap)

11. Give a gift to the bus driver who takes you to work or school every day.

There are lots of ideas on the internet if you're looking for ways to spread a little cheer and magic during Christmastime or throughout the whole year.

It Might Have Been...

"For of All Sad Words of Tongue and Pen, the Saddest are These, It Might Have Been....." John Greenleaf Whittier

I have been having a severe mid-life crisis lately. Panic stricken moments so overwhelming that I find it difficult to breath. I started my youth ambitiously pointed towards acting and Hollywood. But somehow in the last 2 decades...I've not taken another step in the right direction. What the hell happened to me? 

I decided somewhere along the way that I wanted to get married and have a family. I also decided that everything my (undeserving) husband wanted was far more important to our future happiness than anything I wanted. I gave up everything. And he didn't even have to ask me to. I just threw it all away. 5 or 6 years of us go by and we have a baby. And then 18 months go by and we get divorced. And I get fat. Now alone, living at home with my parents and raising a toddler, whom I love with all my heart and soul, everything I started out wanting seems even farther fetched than ever. A few years of sitting behind a desk in an office and "surviving" pass, and my parents win their battle to convince me to move with them to a small town in Texas. I find myself without a decent job, without health insurance, without anyone I can really talk to, and sadder than ever. And hot. Fucking hot. And still fat. 

And then the worst thing happens. Two years into the oblivion of Texas life, my daughter, light of my life, gets diagnosed with leukemia. 

Cancer. 

What. In. The. Hell. 

We'er in the middle of two and a half years of chemo therapy now. Hospital trips. Hospital stays. Weak bones and occasionally no immune system. No fun for her. No school for her. Sometimes no friend time for her. Jesus Christ. How did this happen? 

I find no sleep. Like, ever. But in my sleepless state I do find food. Lots of food. And what I thought was fat before, becomes a fond memory. Because now I seriously get fat. Like, really fat. I spend most of my days in a trance-like state, trying not to let the fear of the reality come into the front of my mind. I use every grain of strength I have to keep the earth shattering terror at bay. Because when you have a child falling into despair over their own body trying to destroy itself, you don't get to fall to pieces. You keep all those pieces glued together for as long as you can. I am convinced that my doctor thinks I'm insane because he walks into the exam room only to find me sobbing. Sobbing quickly because the few minutes I'm waiting in the room all alone is the only time alone I ever have that I can let the dam break. 

By next month we'll be a year in to her chemotherapy treatments and so far, barring occasional setbacks, things are moving in the right direction. Until now I couldn't even bring myself to write anything about it. I have actively avoided my diary because I felt like if I wasn't writing about cancer, then I shouldn't be writing about anything. I still can't go into much detail about it. Again, this would be a dam breaking. 

She's in remission. She's in a place now where the treatments aren't so severe that she's frequently left with no immune system. Only occasionally left with no immune system. It's at a place where I feel comfortable enough to look beyond the cancer. Make plans for the future. What happens after. Maybe I'm foolish, but it feels nice to think beyond. To feel optimistic of a future that promises fulfillment. But how? 

I find lately that I am utterly disappointed in myself. What have I accomplished with my life? What did I work for? What have I trained for? Nothing. I haven't. I just blew around like a dried leaf in the breeze. Not grasping on to anything. Not focusing on anything. Not ready to until now. And now I am so old. So old to start over. To start anything! 36 years old and I've never been to college, never had a career, never truly pursued what my soul has ached for. And how do I do that now? With a daughter not yet in third grade, how do I uproot her again to move back to California with no money, no prospects, no direction at all. All I do know is that I don't, no, I can't be where I am anymore. There is nothing for me here and this drifter lifestyle must come to an end. I am ready for my life to start. 

And at the same time, I couldn't feel more selfish. How dare I think of moving my daughter so that I may chase after my dream? Even though we are talking about "beyond cancer" here. What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I'm more lost than ever and so confused that it honestly makes me dizzy. Disheartened. Scared. Maybe terrified is a better word. I am terrified to be on my death bed one day with my final thoughts being "what if"? 

Crazy

I can't. I'm having some sort of midlife crisis. I can't. I feel crazy and shaky and stuck. So stuck. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. I can't deal. I can't. I'm having a fit inside. I feel like everything in me is shaking. I am afraid. I am afraid. I don't want this. I want something else. How do I get it? I feel stuck. Trying to tell myself that I am not stuck. It is not forever. I can do anything. Anything. It can happen if I need it. And I need it now, but I can't have it now. I can't think whole thoughts. I almost can't hold my fingers still enough to type. I'm so irritated with myself. I'm stifled. I hate it. fjdklshaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa