Monday, May 2, 2011


For the love of cheese. I am so effing frustrated with myself. I cannot stay focused on the fitness goals I want to attain. I want them. I need them. So why can't I STAY FOCUSED?! I am extremely pissed at myself. I could kick a chair, only I'm too fat and lazy...and I've got a chicken wing in my hand. ARRRRG! I can't sleep most nights. My mind is all over the place. My thoughts range from diet and exercise to dating to loneliness to wardrobe to my job to child support to custody...

I feel like I want to cry only I'm too sidetracked to remember to do it. I've been thinking lately of joining up with a gym. (here we go!) I was thinking of Chuze. They're pretty inexpensive and your membership can include free tanning. Wuuut? Not that I go to tanning booths all that often. But, I can see where if you had an event in the middle of winter to look nice for, it'd be a nice option. Not that I have ANYTHING to go to!!! That's another thing that has been bothering me a lot. And it's not the first time you guys have heard me talk about it. I'm lonely. Lonely. Lonely. The other day it was making me so sad I literally had a pain in my chest for most of the day. It's an awful feeling. Because not only am I feeling bad for myself, but then I start thinking of what a terrible mother I am for wanting something more for myself than my perfectly healthy child. I suffered a major heartache last year that I still have not recovered from. It still keeps me awake some nights wondering wtf happened and what was the other persons point of lying to me? I don't get it and I wish I did. I can't stand not having closure. I'm sure most of you have felt this frustration at some point or another.

My goals are slipping away from me and I am struggling with myself everyday to hold on to them. This week my mantra is Get it together. Get it together. For G*d's sake GET IT TOGETHER!!!!!!

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