I've been hating life in general these past few months. Since I started working at a place that shall remain unnamed. Crappy hours, crappy pay, crappy working conditions, crappy days off. I get little to no sleep most days, and my "weekends" are usually spent just sleeping and awaking only to feel guilty and downtrodden over missing even a minute of play time with my daughter. I feel the same way during my week days. When I come home around 7:30 in the morning, my goal is to get right to sleep and wake up around 3pm so that I can be with my daughter from then until right after 9 when I leave for work again. But that is never the case. I come home and can't help but let my daughter persuade me into playing with her for a while, or allowing her to lay in bed with me for a while to watch some tv together. That will usually keep me awake, or somewhat half conscious until 10 or 11 am. When I notice the time, I get a feeling of panic and sadness. Now I know that I must get to sleep soon, and I also realize that I will need to remain asleep until it's almost time to go to work again. And I realize that the time I've spent half alive laying in bed next to my daughter while she watches a movie is nowhere near the quality time I had hoped to spend with her.
But this weekend has left me feeling a bit more satisfied than usual. When I got home on Wednesday morning, I went to sleep from about 10am to 1pm. We were going to have some family over for the 4th of July, so I didn't want to sleep too long. Also, most times I can very easily get away with just a few hours sleep. Even a heavy power nap can carry me through a long stretch of activity. And since I knew there would be no work for me that night, I didn't fret too much about it.
I spent the whole day with family. I have missed a handful of family functions and gatherings since I began this new stupid job. So I was very happy that this holiday fell on my midweek day off. I took my daughter and a few other family kids over to the pool and spent about two hours over there with the kids and my grown up cousins. We came back to the house, ate, popped firecrackers and had a jolly good time. I was happy to be able to sleep next to my daughter that night. Sometimes I'm not sure which one of us is the others' security blanket.
The next day was the same. I felt rested enough and I got to be with my daughter mostly all day, save for a trip to the store. Again that night, I slept deep and sound.
Today she woke me up at the crack of dawn, dying to redeem some of her rewards she earns from doing chores to go and get some new nail polish. So we got in the car and sang along to some of our favorite songs, spent two hours shopping for nail polish and looking at various other items in the store. We listened to Disney music on the drive home. She doesn't know it yet, but I'm planning a surprise trip to Walt Disney World for her two weeks before she starts kindergarten. (see blog)
When we got home, she wanted to play some video games in my room, so I layed next to her and relaxed while reading The Hunger Games. About fifteen minutes later when she was done with that, it was nearing time for me to get some sleep for my shift tonight. So I turned on Barbie: A Perfect Christmas for us to watch together. Somewhere in the middle, she sensed I was falling asleep so she slipped out of the room quietly. I never did fall asleep though, try as I might. But it was enough to just lay there quietly tonight, reflecting on my weekend. This is the first time in a long time I feel satisfied and a bit fulfilled. That is, until my mother burst into my room and yelled at me for not being asleep. Oh well. Relaxed feeling gone, I must now prepare for work. Shit.